IGB真实故事005 | 需要承担这份不幸的人为什么是我？ – 小杰与抑郁症的故事

Talking about my own depression has never been an easy thing. I used to hide it, conceal it, and even pretend to myself that maybe I wasn’t struggling. However, every time it happened, my heart screams loudly: WHY ME?! As I learned psychology and neurology in late 2014, I began to understand. Gradually, as I started to face it, I started to accept it, and I started to feel less negative about it. That attitude changes directed me onto the right track of dealing with it in a positive way. In autumn 2015 in NYC, when I sat down in the park at sunset, it all just came to me in a powerful way. So I wrote it down. –Xiaojie Qin Founder and Executive Director of CandleX 谈论起我自己的抑郁症真不是件容易的事

我曾隐藏它、掩盖它甚至假装自己没有在挣扎

然而，每次它发生的时候，我的内心在大声尖叫：为什么是我？！ 2014年年底，当我了解了心理学和神经病学之后，我开始明白

渐渐地，我开始面对它，我开始接受它，我开始觉得这件事没那么糟糕

这种态度的转变指引我走上正确的轨道，让我以一种积极的方式应对它

2015年秋在纽约，日落时分，我坐在公园里， 这一切只是以强大的方式出现在我面前

所以，我写了下来

—秦小杰 CandleX创始人和执行董事 Autumn of 2015, I was visiting the New York City. I joined a walking tour, and the very interesting guide took us to one of the sites: 911 memorials. This is a very interesting memorial, given that instead of building something UP, this one is going back down into the earth. The water falls into this seemly endless hole. As I looked down, the sense of loss, unknown, confusion arose. 2015年秋，我在纽约市游览

我参加了一次徒步旅行，一位很有趣的导游带我们去的地点之一：911纪念馆

这是一个非常有趣的纪念，因为这个建筑要向下指向地球，而不是向上建

水流汇入这无尽的深渊
当我向下看时，失落感、未知感、混乱感油然而生

After that, I went to the Battery Park at sunset, my thoughts started to flow, so I started writing them down on my cellphone. 在那之后，我在日落时分去了炮台公园，我的思绪开始流淌，所以，我就开始把他们写到我的手机里

Why me? That’s the question I kept asking again and again compulsively when going through my darkest depressive episodes. 为什么是我？这就是当我经历最黑暗的抑郁发作时一遍又一遍地问自己的问题

“I have tried to do everything right, having healthy diet, always being careful of the friends that I make, working hard, exploring my interests and staying active, and stay away from bad relationships. Yet, I get into the darkest moments of life where the world collapsed on me for no reason. What did I do to deserve all this? I have done everything I can and there is just no more left in me to change this. Out of all the illnesses, I have to have this?!” I felt I was being buried alive and no one noticed. “我试图做一切对的事情，健康饮食，谨慎交友，努力工作，探索兴趣，保持活跃，远离不良的人际关系

然而，我进入人生最黑暗的时刻，那里我的世界毫无缘由地崩塌了

我到底做了什么要承受这一切？ 我已尽我所能了，没有别的办法去改变这种状况

在所有的疾病中，我必须得这个？！”我觉得自己被活埋了，也没有人注意到

On top of all sadness, pain, numbness, loss of energy, words, and the ability to smile or feeling the existence of any kind of loving relationship, I let this abusive voice torture me endlessly. It’s a daily monologue that my mind created. It’s a daily despair that I struggled with. It pointed it out to me that I had gone crazy inside. 除了所有的悲伤、痛苦、麻木，以及精力、言语和微笑或感受任何形式的爱的能力的丧失，我让这个辱骂的声音无休止地折磨着我

这是我心灵创造的日常独白
这是我每天挣扎的绝望
它指出，我的内心已经疯了

It’s hard to accept that I have bipolar disorders. For years, I didn’t even think about it myself. Obviously, ignoring it didn’t make it go away. It came back to me, staring at and hunting me until I was in the corner and had to try to accept it, acknowledge it and learn to live with it. 接受自己患有双相情感障碍的事实太难了

多年来，我甚至没有想起过它
很显然，忽略它并不能让它消失

它回来找我，盯着我，追捕我，直到我在角落里，不得不尝试接受它，承认它，并且学会适应它

Very slowly, I learned to challenge the abusive monologue that tells me that I am not enough, and ask: if it were my best friend, would I still get so angry with her when she’s feeling down and totally vulnerable? No, I would be gentle and say that I am here, and tell her that you are a wonderful person even though you absolutely don’t feel like it, and I would just be patient and let her know that this shall pass. That was the moment I finally, finally, finally changed my perspective. I started to treat myself with compassion. 慢慢地，我学会了挑战那些说我不够好的辱骂性独白，并问自己：假如是我最好的朋友，我还会在她情绪低落，完全不堪一击的时候跟她这么生气吗？ 不，我会温柔地说，我在这里，并告诉她，你是一个了不起的人，即使你完全不觉得，我只想耐心地告诉她，一切都会过去

就在那一刻，我终于，终于，终于改变了我的观点
我开始慈悲地对待自己

Yes, sometimes in my life, I can’t be this productive, confident, fun and smart, and sometimes I seem to have lost interests in everything that I love. I seem bored, lazy, weak and like a zombie. It’s okay. It’s okay! 是的，有时候在我的生命中，我不可能这么富有成效、自信、有趣和聪明，有时候我似乎对我所爱的一切失去兴趣

我似乎觉得无聊、懒惰、软弱，像一具僵尸
没关系

没关系！ Every day, many people in this world are told that they have cancer, or they lose their arms in a car accident, or they lose a loved one to a terrorist attack. Why them ? Why anyone ? We can’t afford asking ” why me ?” . It straps us in trauma instead of helping us to learn a new skill to cope. Perfection is the devil’s voice that tells us that we are not enough. It pushes down whatever we build up, and it slaves us. 每天，在这个世界上，很多人被告知，他们得了癌症，或者他们在一场车祸中丧失双臂，或者在一次恐怖袭击中他们失去心爱的人

为什么是他们？ 我们负担不起问“为什么是我？”的代价
它会把我们捆绑在痛苦经历中，而不是帮助我们学习新技能来应对
完美是魔鬼的声音，它告诉我们，我们是不够的
它推翻我们所建的一切，它奴役我们

I don’t know what abusive voices you may be experiencing. if you do hear it, just be your own best friend and know that you’ve been trying your best in life. Sometimes in the life of Marathon, I have to crawl, and I don’t seem to make any progress on the track. But now, I have learned to look at it a different way. As long as I am hanging in there, I am winning. 我不知道你可能会遇到什么辱骂的声音

如果你听到它，就做你自己最好的朋友，知道你在生活中一直在尽自己中最大的努力

有时候，在生活的马拉松中，我不得不爬，在赛道上我似乎没有任何进展

但现在，我学会了用不同的眼光看它
只要我还在那里坚持着，我就赢了

Little sunset writing at Battery Park in New York City, after visiting the 911 memorials. May all souls that have been going through trauma, peace. Xiaojie Oct 2015 黄昏时分，写于纽约炮台公园，在参观911纪念馆之后

愿所有经历着苦难的灵魂得以安宁

小杰 2015年10月 Reference and Special Recommendation: “I.See.Dark” is Pere Ibañez latest book and photo collection in 2015, an artistic exploration of mortality, fate, and strength in overcoming the unknown. Employing linguistic and visual cues from European witchcraft and folklore, Pere Ibañez creates a slow-burning narrative of fear and resistance in the face of challenge and despair. The book is available in digital and print formats through western iTunes and Amazon. This article is from CandleX column: My Story with Depression. This column is dedicated to raise awareness on depression and bi-polar disorder through sharing personal depression stories, experiences, perspectives and reflections. All articles are from CandleX community members. If you’d like to share your stories and experience with depression, mania and/or severe anxiety or stress, please contact us at: info@candlex.org 参考文献及特别致谢： “I.See.Dark” 是Pere Ibañez 2015年最新的图书和照片集，这部艺术作品探讨永恒、命运和克服未知事物的力量

运用来自欧洲巫术和民俗的语言和视觉元素，Pere Ibañez创造一个面对挑战与绝望时恐惧与坚韧的独白者形象

本书的电子版和打印版均可通过western iTunes 和Amazon获取. It Gets Brighter 关注精神健康 ｜未经允许严禁转载｜ 翻译 ｜ 蔡晓春 编辑排版｜ Kenny 主编 ｜  Ni

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